funny birds

how cute is this calendar? i think it would be so amazing in the baby's room

and yes, as always, i found it on etsy

merry christmas!!

on wednesday we had our 32 week scan, toured the nicu (and labor & delivery), and met with my perinatologist, Dr. Wu and his colleague Dr. Todd. the tour of the nicu was great. i really enjoyed the tour of the nicu. we met with the social worker, Kathy and she made me feel at home there. she knew my case and told me that the nurses and neonatologists were all prepped for me and were just waiting for me to have the baby. it was very comforting. the nicu is a little weird, but it'll be home for awhile for our little guy so we have to get used to it. after the tour we went to my ultrasound and they estimated that he weighs 3lbs 12oz (plus or minus 9oz... i'm hoping it's plus 9oz). i was very happy about that. we want him to be a good size baby, and he'll be great by the time we get to 36 weeks! the tech even showed us the hair on his head! it was so cute.

after our ultrasound we had about an hour to wait and eat lunch and then headed up to the 7th floor to Dr. Wu's office. my blood pressure was very high (i was nervous) and because of that they want to monitor me to make sure it's not preeclampsia (side note: my blood pressure was high off and on before pregnancy, and just skyrocketed when i first found out i was pregnant. i've been on medication for the entire pregnancy). so, now i have to take my blood pressure twice a day (morning and night), keep a log of my readings and check off if i do or don't have other symptoms (swelling, swelling changes, abdominal pain, etc), talk to a nurse on the phone once a week to go over that week's log, and test the protein in my urine every morning. i also had to do a 24 hour urine sample that i finished yesterday afternoon. besides that the appointment was great. Dr. Wu wants me to have bi-weekly NSTs and come back on january 6th for another ultrasound and perinatology appointment. Dr. Wu told me we could do an amnio at 36 weeks or wait and just deliver at 37 weeks. we talked about how the UCSF doctors preferred i do the amnio and deliver at 36 weeks, rather than risk anything going wrong at 37 weeks. so, we're doing the amnio and if baby's lungs are developed then i'll be induced the next day. if they aren't we have two options: 1). do steroid injections to jump start the lungs so i can be induced or 2). wait until 37 weeks to be induced. hopefully we'll have great news about the amnio and our little guy will be ready. there's not a huge risk with an amnio so late into pregnancy. it WILL trigger contractions but most of the time they go away, and worst case scenario they accidentally break my water and have to induce me then anyway. so, now we just wait. they'll schedule the amnio soon and then we'll most likely have a date for induction (since i'm positive his lungs will be developed). it's all happening so fast. we'll have a baby the week of january 17th! i can't wait to meet him!!

baby update

(picture of baby at 28 weeks)

we had our NST (fetal non stress test) today and our little guy passed with flying colors!! auntie brianna got to see her little nephew for the first time when they measured my amniotic fluid. she almost cried when she heard his heart beat. she was also kind of freaked out because his heart rate is about 150 and she thought that was too high (it's a perfectly healthy baby heart rate). but we had fun during the extremely boring NST and i'm happy she was there. i also got to see him take big practice breaths, which was amazing! i'm so glad i got to see him breathing in and out. it's tough when you know you'll have a preemie, because you worry about having preemie issues (including the lungs being underdeveloped) in addition to the gastroschisis, so it was so nice to see him already working on developing those lungs. i felt like such a proud mom. we have our big 32 week scan on weds, and i'm sure i'll have a lot more information then.

cute onesie overload

i think it's only appropriate that our little gastro baby gets to wear a digestive system onesie

and for all his doctor appointments, how cute is this stethoscope screen print onesie?

both onesies by katyandzucchini on etsy.

sad baby day

i went to therapy this week. i had a session on wednesday, and it was a good, relatively cry free therapy session. i talked to this MFT (marriage & family therapist) for an hour about scott, our relationship, the pregnancy, our new house, this baby, the birth defect, the support group i'm apart of, our birthing class and how being around a bunch of pregnant people with normal pregnancies makes me actually feel like i'm having a baby with a birth defect (which i am), and everything else that's happened in the last 8 months of my life. i didn't feel that i necessarily needed to talk to someone, i'm very vocal with my feelings, thoughts, and emotions, but i thought it wouldn't hurt to go to therapy. and it didn't hurt. i was able to just talk, cry a little, talk about how frustrating this whole thing is for me, and it was nice to have someone tell me how i'm reacting to it exactly as i'm supposed to. we talked about how i get frustrated when people tell me i need to be "more optimistic" about the gastroschisis. i feel that i am optimistic about it all, i don't think my baby is going to die, but i'm very realistic about the situation and am sad for what he (and we) have to go through so soon after birth. she agreed with me, and it was nice to be reaffirmed for that. she told me that she was impressed with how well i'm handling all that life has thrown at me in the past 7 months and to keep up the good work. and that was nice. that said, i have sad baby days. and lately they've been more and more frequent.

let me explain what a sad baby day is. it's the term i've coined for days when i cry about the baby, about the gastroschisis, about the fear of the unknown, and the fear of what i already do know. the days i don't want to answer the phone (sorry people that call), when i don't care about someone's boyfriend/husband/children/school/work drama, when i don't want to fake a regular conversation because i just want to cry or be numb to my situation. i talked to the therapist about it, and she said it's perfectly normal and since it doesn't interfere with my ability to get up and live my life it doesn't signify depression (not that i was worried about that). sad baby days are usually signified by reading posts on the avery's angels facebook page. i love avery's angels and am so happy i found them, but sometimes reading what people are going through is hard for me. it's hard. sometimes i don't think i'm strong enough for this. i get angry and frustrated and upset about the gastroschisis. why do scott & i have to have a baby with a birth defect? why can't i have a normal, healthy pregnancy? why do i have to have a baby that i don't get to hold right away, that won't come home for who knows how long? why can't i just walk into that hospital 2 weeks past my due date and come out a day later with a brand new baby that gets to come home? why isn't my biggest issue worrying about the baby's first cold? sometimes i just don't know if i can handle this. i just don't know how i am handling this. i have no idea how i find the strength to deal with this. i know it's for the baby. but it's so hard. and the NICU is going to be the hardest part. and we're getting closer and closer to that, and i'm scared. and i just hope i'm strong enough for this.