sad baby day

i went to therapy this week. i had a session on wednesday, and it was a good, relatively cry free therapy session. i talked to this MFT (marriage & family therapist) for an hour about scott, our relationship, the pregnancy, our new house, this baby, the birth defect, the support group i'm apart of, our birthing class and how being around a bunch of pregnant people with normal pregnancies makes me actually feel like i'm having a baby with a birth defect (which i am), and everything else that's happened in the last 8 months of my life. i didn't feel that i necessarily needed to talk to someone, i'm very vocal with my feelings, thoughts, and emotions, but i thought it wouldn't hurt to go to therapy. and it didn't hurt. i was able to just talk, cry a little, talk about how frustrating this whole thing is for me, and it was nice to have someone tell me how i'm reacting to it exactly as i'm supposed to. we talked about how i get frustrated when people tell me i need to be "more optimistic" about the gastroschisis. i feel that i am optimistic about it all, i don't think my baby is going to die, but i'm very realistic about the situation and am sad for what he (and we) have to go through so soon after birth. she agreed with me, and it was nice to be reaffirmed for that. she told me that she was impressed with how well i'm handling all that life has thrown at me in the past 7 months and to keep up the good work. and that was nice. that said, i have sad baby days. and lately they've been more and more frequent.

let me explain what a sad baby day is. it's the term i've coined for days when i cry about the baby, about the gastroschisis, about the fear of the unknown, and the fear of what i already do know. the days i don't want to answer the phone (sorry people that call), when i don't care about someone's boyfriend/husband/children/school/work drama, when i don't want to fake a regular conversation because i just want to cry or be numb to my situation. i talked to the therapist about it, and she said it's perfectly normal and since it doesn't interfere with my ability to get up and live my life it doesn't signify depression (not that i was worried about that). sad baby days are usually signified by reading posts on the avery's angels facebook page. i love avery's angels and am so happy i found them, but sometimes reading what people are going through is hard for me. it's hard. sometimes i don't think i'm strong enough for this. i get angry and frustrated and upset about the gastroschisis. why do scott & i have to have a baby with a birth defect? why can't i have a normal, healthy pregnancy? why do i have to have a baby that i don't get to hold right away, that won't come home for who knows how long? why can't i just walk into that hospital 2 weeks past my due date and come out a day later with a brand new baby that gets to come home? why isn't my biggest issue worrying about the baby's first cold? sometimes i just don't know if i can handle this. i just don't know how i am handling this. i have no idea how i find the strength to deal with this. i know it's for the baby. but it's so hard. and the NICU is going to be the hardest part. and we're getting closer and closer to that, and i'm scared. and i just hope i'm strong enough for this.