this face...

... is the best. so much love for this little guy. and for the bigger guy that helped me create this little dude.

PPD & PTSD part 2

dana, a veteran gastroschisis mom, shared this link on avery's angels facebook page. it's an article about PTSD in parents that have had children in the NICU. i think you should definitely check it out, please, it'll help you to understand what us NICU parents go through: NY Times PTSD article.

post-traumatic stress disorder is a mental health condition that is triggered by a terrifying event. in order to talk about my PTSD i need to stress that my terrifying event wasn't just the NICU. getting pregnant, the gastroschisis diagnosis, and the NICU were all separate traumatic events in my life. though i knew that i'd spend the rest of my life with scott after meeting him that hot summer day in July 2009, i never imagined i'd get pregnant the minute we started dating. and once i came to terms with my pregnancy i never dreamed i'd be dealing with a birth defect. it's been a long, stressful, and terrifying year. it's also been the most amazing, wonderful, fulfilling year of my life.

PTSD symptoms are generally grouped into three types: intrusive memories, avoidance & numbing, and increased anxiety or hyperarousal. i have several PTSD symptoms: upsetting dreams about the traumatic event (intrusive memories), trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event (avoidance & numbing), difficulty maintaining close relationships (avoidance & numbing), trouble concentrating (avoidance & numbing), irritability and/or anger (increased anxiety), overwhelming guilt (increased anxiety), self-destructive behavior (increased anxiety), trouble sleeping (increased anxiety), and hearing things that aren't there (increased anxiety). i think it's safe to say that the bulk of my PTSD is manifested in anxiety.

if i look at pictures of griffin in the NICU i absolutely fall apart. i can't handle to see him like that, and i like the fact that when i see him each day i can't picture him with all those tubes and wires. i break down and cry when i think about the NICU and what life was like for us in there. i can't handle the memory of it, and i am extremely anxious about the possibility of future children needing to spend time in the NICU. the thought of going back there frightens me beyond explanation. i've pushed a good amount of friends away, unintentionally of course, but i have. i keep thinking it's because our lives are in different places, but really it's just hard for me to maintain my friendships. i have little interest in spending time with people, and actually have to force myself to meet up with friends (i always have fun, it's just hard to make the plans). i have so much overwhelming guilt about griffin making it out of the NICU, but i think i touched on that in my last post. i constantly hear things that aren't there, mainly griffin crying or the sounds the monitor used to make when they'd go off. the first time i ever heard griffin cry was when he was 7 days old, and scott & i spent the night at the NICU (there were parent rooms to stay in overnight). over all the other babies and monitors i heard a cry and instantly knew that was my baby. i went out into the main room in the NICU and sure enough, there he was- crying. i loved that i knew his cry immediately. but now, at night, i hear that cry. that tiny newborn cry. that cry of hunger and pain. i hear that cry when griffin is asleep, but when i check on him he's fine (and i know that's not what his cry sounds like anymore). i hate using our microwave because the beeps sound like the monitors that griffy was hooked up to. i'm very anxious about having more children (even though i know that statistically my chance of having another gastroschisis baby is the same as it was with griffin) and wonder what i'd do if another future unborn child had gastroschisis - what are the odds of having such a good recovery again? i'm a wreck. the NICU, while a wonderful place with great nurses and doctors who loved and cared for my son, completely ruined me. i'll never be the same. when i see my friends having babies, or read other blog posts by mothers, all of whom have healthy babies i lose it. when they talk about what it was like when the doctor handed them their healthy baby right after birth i'm completely jealous and angry. why did they get that experience and i didn't? no mother should know what it's like to watch their baby leave their body and get escorted out of the room. but that was my reality, and i'm dealing with it the best way i can. PTSD will probably always be a part of my life. i know it will get better, and worse, and better again. i'm sure a slew of symptoms will creep back up with a future pregnancy. but at least i know what is going on in my mind; i understand it, and because of meghan hall and her son avery i have my avery's angels veteran moms to share these thoughts and emotions with.

PPD & PTSD part 1

i wanted to dedicate a blog entry to postpartum depression and post traumatic stress disorder. this might be long, so i apologize in advance, but it's important for me to share this experience. i've made this a two part post. here's part 1:

let's start from the beginning, shall we? scott & i met in July of 2009 and even though we were head over heels for each other way before we started dating, we've only been together 11 months. 11 months. for those of you doing the math that means that our son, who was born 1 month early, was conceived the same week scott & i started dating. we found out on father's day (when i was 6 weeks along) and it's been quite the ride ever since (we moved into the house we bought 11 days after finding out about the baby's birth defect). after deciding to keep the baby, coming to terms with the pregnancy, and starting to tell family and friends (i showed really early, so we had to share the news much sooner than anticipated), we got bad news. my AFP levels were high and at 18 weeks we got the diagnosis: gastroschisis. all of a sudden my extremely unplanned pregnancy became high risk. words that you never want to hear were being thrown around: "defect", "terminate", "surgery", "NICU", "life-threatening", "unknown outcome". it was terrifying. we were told that we had until 24 weeks to decide if we wanted to keep the baby, and that while it wasn't recommended that we terminate it was still our decision. we chose not to terminate because we'd already gone through that decision 12 weeks earlier. the 18 weeks that followed seem like a blur now, but it was just a lot of doctors appointments, blood tests, and one therapy session. after meeting with the therapist she said "in less than one year you've started dating your boyfriend, moved in together, gotten pregnant, bought a house, gotten engaged, and found out your baby has a life threatening birth defect and you don't know how he'll do until he's born... i'm surprised by how well you're dealing with all of this". she told me i was doing remarkably well, but i don't think so... i just think i was doing what needed to be done for my unborn baby. he needed me to be strong, so i was. i was expecting to have some kind of baby blues happen after the pregnancy, but i never expected how intense PPD could be.

the NICU was an even bigger blur than my pregnancy was. 27 days of noise, monitors, bright lights, doctors, nurses, IVs, blood tests, and constant round the clock care. i drove down to San Francisco every day that griffin was there. i'd wake up in the morning, get ready, drive down to be with griff, stay until about 4pm, go home, and start the whole thing over again. it was like groundhog day... every day was the same, over and over and over again. i was surprised at how well i handled it. how i could handle seeing my baby puffy from IV fluids and surgery, how i could handle seeing his bowels in a silo, how i could handle not holding him, and having to leave him every day. he needed me to be strong for him and, just like during the pregnancy, i was. i handled it so well. yes there were many tears, but overall i did great. i never anticipated how my PPD would kick in after griffin came home. once griff came home i was a wreck. i was scared that something would happen to him. i hated that the nurses and monitors weren't there to tell me if he was okay. the 3 hour feedings, not sleeping, and being a complete wreck over each and every noise he made was rough. i started to feel like it was a joke, that he would be sent back to the hospital and that he would never come home again. it was too easy. our recovery was too easy. i was waiting for the hard part to kick in. i also noticed that i was pulling away from griffin. i felt so attached to him in the hospital, but once he came home it was almost like he wasn't my baby. i didn't feel as close to him. it's so hard for me to even write these words. i started skipping feeds and having scott bottle feed him in the middle of the night from our breast milk supply in the freezer. i didn't want to change him, bathe him, or clothe him. i didn't want to be around him. i didn't want to console him when he cried. scott stepped up to the plate and completely took care of our little guy. he was great. and i'd breast feed griffin during this, but only because i was supposed to. i didn't feel like it was bringing me closer to my son. scott's parents came to visit when griffin came home and i remember being in the living room with scott, his parents, and my dad and saying "i love griffin but i don't want anything to do with him". it was the strangest feeling ever. this little being that i felt so much love for the minute he came out of me was finally home, and instead of celebrating it i wanted nothing to do with him. i didn't want to leave the house. i didn't want to get ready in the morning. i didn't feel good enough as a mom, as a person, or as a partner. scott and i talked a lot about it, i saw a therapist (again), and talked to my doctor as well. i knew i could manage it, and i definitely have. it's been a slow process, and i'm still not 100% over it, but it is so much better and i finally feel like i'm a good mom. it was so weird to finally have griffin home. i felt relieved, scared, sad and guilty. i felt guilty for having the recovery that gastroschisis moms dream of. i still feel guilty about that. i feel bad for moms who have babies still in the hospital, babies who have needed multiple surgeries, babies who need or have had transplants. i feel bad for being the best case scenario, and i think that contributed to my PPD.

to be continued...

3 month old Griffin...

... likes to keep his fists up, loves bath-time and has started to play with his toys. he giggles, and smiles a lot more. every morning when i get him out of his crib i get the biggest smile. it's the best. he has started smiling at scott, and scott couldn't be happier! scott got the first giggle, too, and now he knows his son loves him. he's the best thing that's happened to us, and i can't believe he's already 3 months old! we sure do feel lucky to have him around.

care path summary

i wrote this summary of our care path (during pregnancy and griffin's NICU stay) for the avery's angles gastroschisis website and wanted to share it on my blog. i kept a draft of a blog post that i'd write down everything i was feeling and thinking, and everything that griffin was going through during the NICU. i haven't published it yet, and i started to read through it today and it is very, very emotional. the NICU was rough on me, but i'll dedicate another post to that later. for now, i think this is a good depiction of what my pregnancy was like, and most importantly, what the NICU was like:

I was 18 weeks pregnant when we received the gastroschisis diagnosis. My AFP levels from my 14 week blood test came back high, and this 18 week ultrasound diagnosed two things: the gastroschisis, and that we were having a boy. After the diagnosis our perinatologist, Dr. Wu (from Kaiser SF) sent us to UCSF to have another ultrasound and meet with the surgeons who would be handling our case. At 20 weeks I was seen by the UCSF pediatric/fetal surgery team. Led by Dr. Hirose, the team answered all my questions and explained the recovery process as best they could (emphasizing that you don't know anything until the baby is here). They also told me that they don't let their gastroschisis patients go past 36 weeks. After those appointments I had a very normal care-path. I was seen for ultrasounds at 24 and 28 weeks at my normal hospital (not by specialists) for regular growth scans. I saw my regular OBGYN and then started my Non-Stress Tests at 30 weeks (2x a week). At 32 weeks I had another ultrasound and appointment with my specialists and again at 34 weeks (right before they decided to induce). I had an amnio at 36 weeks 1 day to test lung maturity (we had two possibilities at that point: if the lungs weren't mature I'd get two steroid shots and be induced two days later, and if the lungs were mature then I'd be induced the next day). We got a phone call the next morning at 6:15am to say that there was a bed ready for me at the hospital in San Francisco. After two days of induction, Griffin Reed Westerman was born on January 20, 2011 at 6:42am.

I delivered vaginally, which was great, but being induced wasn't the best. Right after Griffin was born he was cleaned up, bowels wrapped, and assessed by the intensive care nursery team (my fiance, Scott, said that he counted 17 people in the room with us when I delivered). His immediate APGAR score was 2, his 5 minute score a 6, and his 10 minute score a 9. Scott went with Griffin and the team and took pictures, and then they brought him to me. After I met him he was taken to the ICN, and the surgeons came and put Griffin in a silo. All of his small intestine, and most of his large had been on the outside, but it was in perfect shape; pink and bowel shaped. That was great news to me. Later that afternoon Dr. Hirose stopped by and got more of his bowel back inside. Griffin's closure was the next day. When he was 3 days he was taken off the ventilator, and we got to hold him for the first time! When he was 7 days old he pooped! Not much happened for about a week after that. There were no set backs, and we were just waiting for his replogle to be able to come out. His replogle was set to gravity at 9 days, but then we had to put it back to suction. At 13 days Griffin started to pull out his replogle and hadn't pooped since that first poop almost a week before. At 15 days old we got to take the replogle out and start feeds! We started Griffin at 5ccs every 3 hours for the first day (by bottle), to be increased by 5ccs each day if he did well the day before. At 17 days they gave Griffin a glycerin suppository because he hadn't pooped and then he started pooping like clockwork. He received a glycerin suppository every 24 hours for about 3 days before he was pooping regularly on his own. Griffin did great with his feeds and 19 days he got to feed on demand instead of every 3 hours. At 22 days they started talking about taking out his PICC line. They said they'd wait until Monday (which would be day 25) because it's dangerous to have to remove the PICC line and then reinsert it if he still needed it. At 24 days they decided to take out the PICC line and I was told by my nurse that being in the ICN more than 7 days after the PICC line was out would be surprising. At 25 days we started talking discharge. At 26 days we were told that Griffin gained weight and if he continued to gain the next day we could take him home! I called at 5am on day 27 to see if he'd gained weight. He hadn't. We still brought a change of clothes and his car seat just in case. Scott & I got to the ICN and I just cried. I wanted him home so badly. During rounds that morning at 9am the doctors told us that they were discharging Griffin. He came home after 27 days in the ICN.

waiting for giggles

i have wanted griff to giggle for awhile now, and it finally happened. last night he gave us some pretty good giggles while scott was playing with him. unfortunately i was too slow to capture any laughing last night, but we got some on video this morning!

our weekend

scott hardly ever has saturdays or sundays off, so our weekend usually starts on a monday. this time we decided to have a little getaway sans baby. on sunday we went to Solage to stay the night. we had a great time. on sunday night we went to Press and had a great dinner. on monday we woke up, had a little room service breakfast on the patio, went on a bike ride and then hung out at the spa for the rest of the day before we went back home to baby. we had fun, but i definitely missed the little guy.

hanging out at the pool with the brightest pink drink i've ever seen

scott looking all cute before our dinner

i am now obsessed with these bikes

the bathhouse pool (it's geothermal... and was a beautiful 94 degrees)

i could have lived in there

laying out at the bathhouse

we're home!!

doesn't griffin kind of look like a turtle?

the next day we did our taxes and decided to spruce up the house a little bit. scott has been ripping out all our hedges and bushes and the flowers we don't like, and i wanted to update our house numbers and make the house look a little better. we went to home depot, put up paint swatches in the house and played in the yard a little.

i planted some succulents to hang out by our front door

the "before" picture

the "after" picture

before

after

and this little guy just hung out in his car seat with us while we were redoing everything. he's such a good little baby. we're so lucky.

it was a relaxing and productive weekend.

2 month old Griffin

weighs 9lbs 12oz (which seems teeny but considering he was 5lbs 14oz at birth it's pretty good) and 21 1/2 inches long. he had some vaccinations so he's been sleeping all day and he's pretty much the most amazing thing ever. he coos and smiles and will sometimes mimic a sound you make. he loves to stare at you and play and loves his swing. according to our doctor he's "medically perfect" which is a huge relief to me since he's our precious gastro baby. we've been through so much for him to be here and now look at him. he's the yummiest little baby ever!