PPD & PTSD part 2

dana, a veteran gastroschisis mom, shared this link on avery's angels facebook page. it's an article about PTSD in parents that have had children in the NICU. i think you should definitely check it out, please, it'll help you to understand what us NICU parents go through: NY Times PTSD article.

post-traumatic stress disorder is a mental health condition that is triggered by a terrifying event. in order to talk about my PTSD i need to stress that my terrifying event wasn't just the NICU. getting pregnant, the gastroschisis diagnosis, and the NICU were all separate traumatic events in my life. though i knew that i'd spend the rest of my life with scott after meeting him that hot summer day in July 2009, i never imagined i'd get pregnant the minute we started dating. and once i came to terms with my pregnancy i never dreamed i'd be dealing with a birth defect. it's been a long, stressful, and terrifying year. it's also been the most amazing, wonderful, fulfilling year of my life.

PTSD symptoms are generally grouped into three types: intrusive memories, avoidance & numbing, and increased anxiety or hyperarousal. i have several PTSD symptoms: upsetting dreams about the traumatic event (intrusive memories), trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event (avoidance & numbing), difficulty maintaining close relationships (avoidance & numbing), trouble concentrating (avoidance & numbing), irritability and/or anger (increased anxiety), overwhelming guilt (increased anxiety), self-destructive behavior (increased anxiety), trouble sleeping (increased anxiety), and hearing things that aren't there (increased anxiety). i think it's safe to say that the bulk of my PTSD is manifested in anxiety.

if i look at pictures of griffin in the NICU i absolutely fall apart. i can't handle to see him like that, and i like the fact that when i see him each day i can't picture him with all those tubes and wires. i break down and cry when i think about the NICU and what life was like for us in there. i can't handle the memory of it, and i am extremely anxious about the possibility of future children needing to spend time in the NICU. the thought of going back there frightens me beyond explanation. i've pushed a good amount of friends away, unintentionally of course, but i have. i keep thinking it's because our lives are in different places, but really it's just hard for me to maintain my friendships. i have little interest in spending time with people, and actually have to force myself to meet up with friends (i always have fun, it's just hard to make the plans). i have so much overwhelming guilt about griffin making it out of the NICU, but i think i touched on that in my last post. i constantly hear things that aren't there, mainly griffin crying or the sounds the monitor used to make when they'd go off. the first time i ever heard griffin cry was when he was 7 days old, and scott & i spent the night at the NICU (there were parent rooms to stay in overnight). over all the other babies and monitors i heard a cry and instantly knew that was my baby. i went out into the main room in the NICU and sure enough, there he was- crying. i loved that i knew his cry immediately. but now, at night, i hear that cry. that tiny newborn cry. that cry of hunger and pain. i hear that cry when griffin is asleep, but when i check on him he's fine (and i know that's not what his cry sounds like anymore). i hate using our microwave because the beeps sound like the monitors that griffy was hooked up to. i'm very anxious about having more children (even though i know that statistically my chance of having another gastroschisis baby is the same as it was with griffin) and wonder what i'd do if another future unborn child had gastroschisis - what are the odds of having such a good recovery again? i'm a wreck. the NICU, while a wonderful place with great nurses and doctors who loved and cared for my son, completely ruined me. i'll never be the same. when i see my friends having babies, or read other blog posts by mothers, all of whom have healthy babies i lose it. when they talk about what it was like when the doctor handed them their healthy baby right after birth i'm completely jealous and angry. why did they get that experience and i didn't? no mother should know what it's like to watch their baby leave their body and get escorted out of the room. but that was my reality, and i'm dealing with it the best way i can. PTSD will probably always be a part of my life. i know it will get better, and worse, and better again. i'm sure a slew of symptoms will creep back up with a future pregnancy. but at least i know what is going on in my mind; i understand it, and because of meghan hall and her son avery i have my avery's angels veteran moms to share these thoughts and emotions with.